Hello and Happy New Year !
I wanted to make sure it is the new year in any part of the world so I am greeting in this writing for the New Year!
I am truly grateful that a lot of people came to see me in my office in New York City and also in Skype in 2019! Also people pay attention to this website and take time to read columns. Thanks so much too!
It was a great experience that I could have in 2019 and in 2020, I am making even more effort to give better services in my all abilities. Thank you so much!
I wrote yesterday about confidence, self image and you are the only one person who decides who you are. It is important, isn’t it?
Now I want to talk about how to keep your self esteem high.
First of all, to keep your high self esteem, it is important for you to accept everything about you including good and bad points in you.
It is called “life” for all of us to have many accidents, incidents, events, episodes and etc in our lives. Adding to them, no one is perfect so we all have some issues and flaws in us.
We may go through teenage hating one of our features like our own nose. When we hate something like that, we may hate it to the bones, especially in the phase in our lives. Do you remember the phase in your life?
Even though we are not a teenager any more, we may feel difficult to accept ourselves including our flaws. However to keep our high self esteem, this agenda is unavoidable.
Self esteem and self confidence come from acceptance of self. They depend on how comfortable we feel with ourselves, including our virtues and also flaws.
As we all know, no one is perfect and we all have flaws. However it is going to be significantly difficult for us to have “secrets” like something we don’t want anyone to know about ourselves.
Then it is going to be very difficult for you to “speak out” or “stand up” for yourself with confidence. Of course, because you may feel like the “secrets” may be revealed in the speaking or communications.
Carrying something you don’t want anyone to know is like a cloud in you to weigh you down so you can’t act like a sparkling sunshine with the big cloud hidden in you.
I have clients who want to improve speech or work on their confidence, then the work would include self esteem issues at the end with the reasons.
Accepting whatever you have in you is a basic agenda to have high self esteem. With the reason, I am not a big fan of “detox” concept. The concept comes from the undeniable idea that we have toxin in us.
Accepting whatever you have in you means that any ingredients of you should be accepted by you. Often times, self esteem work working on some visible scars or something like that, works the same way. Accepting the scar would be crucial self esteem work in the setting.
Also whatever you have, you will decide what you have in you at the first place. That means that you will decide if you have poison or toxin in you or not.
Accepting everything about yourself is a basic idea leading you to self love so there is nothing conditional acceptance here.
In my clients, some of them already decided that they weren’t good so they are eager to purify or detoxify themselves to obtain high self esteem.
It may sound strange though whatever that is, toxin or enemy, they are be toxin or enemy when you decided so.
For example, when you decided a flu that you got is your enemy and hate it, the flu may come at you in full power too.
That is why I wouldn’t hate anything in me or even in this world. At the end, the more situations or things you hate, the more difficult your life would be. Instead, you like everything about you or anything in this world, your life would be easier.
Well, in the theory, it seems right for me to like everything including me rather than hating something in this world. And that is the way I live in my life and with the belief, I tell my clients accordingly too.
In other words, it will come back at you when you hate something and you will be with someone you don’t like 24/7 and 365 days a year if you don’t like yourself. It is hard.
Furthermore, simply saying, hatred wouldn’t hurt anyone or anything you hate. Keeping hatred in you would only hurt yourself.
Of course, because hatred is a negative emotion. We all have negative feelings come up to us regardlessly. However keeping those negativity in you would hurt you so I recommend you to release the feelings from you.
It is not like hating hatred but we can simply release the feelings when they come to you.
Remember, keeping negative feelings in you wouldn’t bring any benefits to you at all. Whatever that is, yourself, others, things or situations, hating them wouldn’t bring any benefits to you.
You feel bad anyway with the negative feelings and no benefits at all to keep it in you. We definitely shouldn’t hate at all.
For example, some of my clients have panic attacks and they try to get rid of it. Of course, you wouldn’t need a panic attack any time in your life.
However, at the first place, typically a panic attack comes to you when you dismiss or ignore the feelings of saying no to going to some places. Your mind begged you to stop going there, I imagine though you for some reason, didn’t notice the cry.
Without noticing your true feelings of saying no, you may keep going to the places that you don’t want to go. Then your mind and body perform a forced quit because you can’t literally take the stress any more.
In your conscious, you didn’t notice any of the doings of your mind and body. However in subconscious level, your mind and body collaborate to avoid something gives unbearable stress to you.
Even though in your conscious level, you are not aware of your own doings to stop you with using panic attacks. However in your subconscious level, you would realize that you are the person who created your own panic attacks.
Of course, in your conscious level, your agenda is to get rid of the panic attack that you have.
Please don’t get me wrong. I want you to lose your panic attack and I want to help you. However you have to understand why you got the panic attack at the first place.
In other words, it is not a smartest idea for you to hate and decide that your panic attack is an enemy.
You created a system to protect you from further stress and harms, that is panic attack. The kind of realization would give you more success in the healing process.
Going back to talking about accepting good and bad. It means that we should accept our past too. Of course. All the things happened in the past made us in the way we are today.
I know that it is challenging for us to accept most miserable, hardest and embarrassing moments in our lives.
Accepting the past happens in sessions with working on “inner child”. It is so beautiful and special when my clients accept worst moments in their lives.
It is special moments and also the healing effects are amazing too. I witness the amazing healing daily basis.
Adding to accepting self, we need to forgive any mistakes that we ever made in the past too. Forgiving is not justifying so we learn from our mistakes though we have to feel ok with our mistakes, I say.
When we don’t feel ok with past mistakes and experiences, we got a lot of chance that we can’t accept our own past.
When we regret any of doings in the past, we have a great chance that we are not satisfied with our present situations. Of course, we don’t like our current situation when we made a wrong decisions in the past.
It is like a chicken and an egg. When we feel like we made a right decision in the past, we are supposed to be satisfied with our present life too.
Furthermore, regret wouldn’t give any benefits to you because all the pasts were already done.
In other words, we have to feel like every decision was right in the past so the past was all good. Even something inconvenient happened to you in the past, you want to feel like you learned a great deal and became a better person from the experience.
Again, it is very true that regret would never bring you any benefits at all because there is no time machine to go back.